Taking Out the Trash...

By the title of this particular blog, you can see that my life has been exceedingly glamorous today. I did get that done, though--the taking out of the trash. It contained more than the usual array of junk. More stuff that had no more use--not even for charity.

This process is requiring that I take out some mental trash as well. I read through Vince's blogging and see one of the reasons I've always tried to keep all these material possessions around me--the idea of scarcity...if I get rid of something I might need later, I'll regret it. Turns out I was just as guilty as Vince about keeping these things (as much as I like to bitch that all this crap is Vince's, I should have gotten rid of it of my own accord....I didn't because I couldn't). I grew up in such a way that I always worried that I wouldn't have enough of certain things. This extends well beyond the measure of material possessions. I have found that there is no scarcity with regards to things like "love," either. That was a big lesson for me--that things can go away with no pain of want, and that love isn't a well that just runs dry one day. Surprising that it took me so long to learn such a seemingly simple lesson, but it did. I learned it through all the amazing people who have come into our lives during the past few years, and some that have been here for the long-haul only to be rediscovered in a new light. I learned it because I was finally ready to hear the message. I guess I should just be glad I figured it out at all....and I am grateful.

I'm looking forward to some great adventures in the future. I've always had the attitude of "nothing ventured, nothing gained"--but with so much less to hold us down, it will be that much easier to move in the directions that we've always wanted to. I love the idea of living on the boat, cruising around the Puget Sound with family and our extended family of friends. Adventure, sharing experiences. These are the thoughts that sustain me through some pretty difficult decisions. I've had to re-home my horse in the last couple of weeks--she still belongs to me, but she will be used as a lesson horse for children at a local stable. That was hard. Really hard. Having a horse had been my dream for as long as I could remember. My first word was "horse." I was absolutely obsessed, in every sense of the word.

I spent time building a life and a family--then, when we moved to this farm 15 years ago, I knew that the dream of owning a horse could finally be a reality. I found Lacey 8 years ago on a farm that I was the selling agent for in my previous career as a real estate agent. She was so beautiful--gorgeous white with little red spots all over, and a big red "V" on her forehead. This is a statement that most people, unless they are horse-crazy girls would never understand, but she "took my breath away." She is half Arabian, half Appaloosa. She and I had a good relationship right off the bat, but she was slow to trust even me. She had been severely abused. I suspect she had been beaten, especially about her head. It took me years to be able to touch her head--her ears. She trusts me completely now, knows that she is always safe and that I love her. That is why it is so hard to see her have a life somewhere else. I feel such a huge responsibilty for her.
I still go and visit her everyday, but it's not the same. She is in the care of someone else now. This was the most difficult decision so far...getting rid of "stuff" is one thing, but Lacey is as close to family as I think an animal can be. She feels like "people" to me.
She taught me the capacity to trust and love--despite her painful past. It amazed me how much she loved children. Both Chloe and Katri learned to ride on her. She was always a loving a patient teacher. I'll never forget Katri when she was little more than a toddler underneath Lacey, reaching up to brush her belly, giant smile on her face--and Lacey looking back at her. She looked so happy, too. Arrghh! It's so hard! I know it's the right decision for her, and me...but it's still so difficult.
I feel like the last few years has been a huge period of growth for me--and us, but it now feels like the learning curve just went up a few notches. I'm handling it.....